Good Morning to you, the beautiful and illustrious peoples of Brightshore. Brightshorians? Brighties? Brits? Ah yes! Brits! Good morning Brits! ‘Tis I, Hector the Bard, your musically inclined entertainer and sayer of sooths. Please enjoy this very special first edition, limited edition, signed and hand written, autographed and monogrammed, exclusive and extraordinary copy of my witty banter. Hence forth to be known as, Hector’s Heckler. Thank you everyone, thank you. Please hold the applause for when you see my face in person. I WILL be doing signings and I WILL pose for your self portrait artist.
First and foremost, here at Hector’s Heckler, we recognize where we came from. So with that in mind, it is our greatest pleasure to present to you our first monthly column as dictated by Brightshore’s oldest resident. At least the oldest resident who counts or so he says. Without further adieu, here are:
Drax’s Words of Wisdom
“Alright you tadpoles, sit your butts down and let old Grandpa Drax tell you what’s what. I haven’t hauled this heavy shell around on my back for fourscore years learning the ways of the world just for you young idjits to go mucking it all up with your tomfoolery while I’m trying to relax in my golden years. And don’t you elves get all high and mighty about how old you are, you don’t count! Dancing around all nimbly-bimbly in the trees making silly elf music while the rest of us do the real work. Back in my day, we walked to our adventures uphill both ways with nothing but onions for rations! You ever beat down a pack of slathering orcs with nothing but a bag of onions on your belt? No, of course you haven’t, youths these days, you’d probably invite the orcs to brunch so you can talk about your feelings. Bah! No wonder everything is going to the Nine Hells these days! You all could stand to have Grandpa Drax wallop some sense into you with his beatin’ stick. Go throw another log on the fire, it’s getting cold in here. Now, what was I explaining to you again?”
Isn’t he something? Fantastic ol’ fellow I think. I hear rumor from a bard that definitely isn’t me that he considers me as his fourth son.
What is that you say? You want more? You want to hear a tale of adventure? Terror? Romance? Something to strike fear into the hearts of the kiddies just before there ‘bout ready to settle down for the night? Say no more! Hear the tantalizing titillating tall tale of the most wizzy wangest wizard in all wisdom. I bring you Zren, and his personal account of his besting the Duke of Shadow!
Zren’s Tail Tale
In the month of Unicus, me and my companions: Borivik, Atwood, Zerck and Gypsum went to explore the ancient city of Min Lue in search for clues about the ancient mage named Kalad. We were accompanied by Kujō and the remaining member of the Kraken Cult. When we neared the city we noticed that bones where spreading out from the city and choking the surrounding landscape. We approached with stealth with the aid of Gypsum’s powerful stealth magic, and attempted to ambush one of the guards after climbing the walls. The guards were seemingly mounted knights in beautifully crafted but old full plate, but when we entered combat the knight it revealed itself as the undead creature known as a Flameskull on top of a corpse. It the combat was challenging with the skull flying above us and our arrows doing very little damage. The skull also cast spells including: Magic Missile and Fireball. Near the end of our engagement two more Flameskulls approached from along the wall, at that point we fled into the center of the city where a strange pulsing light was emanating. We ran through the city the flameskulls in hot pursuit, they downed our Genasi companion but thankfully our druid Atwood carried her till I could use a healing potion on her. When we arrived at the center and towards the light we found a giant dome had been made by a powerful artifact, in which the duke of shadows was a casting a ritual at many times the speed of what he should have been, with days passing in mere seconds. Watched over by an elven man with pale skin and pearly white teeth, he seemed to mind us little even when we attacked him, and attempted to burn the artifact. We learned a lot of lore about what happened from him, and our companion Kujō. We learned that The Duke of Shadows and Kalad had been allied against the city they were now in, in an ancient war. The city was protected by an artifact that repelled undead but together the got passed it. The Duke of Shadows was nearing the end of his ritual and the elf told us to leave at that point else we be killed so we left.
By the Four! Can you believe this!? Oh me oh my how happy I am that my bravest of brainy boys Zren lived to pass on the tale. It seems he was instrumental in this party’s survival. Oh how glad I am to have such a powerful pinnacle of masculine might in our citadel! What will our council do with this knowledge? How will they reward their city’s best mage? How will I ever tell Zren how much I…
Oh, I seem to have built up a sweat. Let’s cool ourselves down a bit with a less stimulating interview. Read now the local gossip from an interview with our very own city guard, Dorkus Belch! What say you, Dorkus?
Sir Belch’s Account
Oy, Whats that? This be for what now, The Voice? I ain’t gon’ be caught dead splainin meself to that publishin. I heard they gave her a right talkin to they did. I’m not fin to be no part of that. Oh? Its not for the tielfing? Aight then I spose I could oblige. Always wanted to be famous. Can I get a copy for me mum? Well O’right then! I’ll tell ye the tale I did hear it with my own two ears, I did!
These miscreants were bout the river see on that there west bridge. The way I hear it, some wut powerful wizard showed there. See them there thousands of hound sized rat corpses? Tell ya wut, brightshore best hope they not be catchin a west wind or we be likely to catch the plague. Who gonna clean all them bodies up? Smell right awful they do, burned to a crisp.
Oy right, the mage. Wut ya mean how I know hes a wizard? Course hes a bloody wizard. He be calling lightning down from the heavens and blowin up right bridges. Anyway from what I gathered the slimy sucker be named Finder. He’s some kinda terrorist, known to the council I reckon. Heard him arguin with Selene and Zdenko, quite disrespectful. Threw gold right their face like they be commoners. Told them to shutup bout the bridge and go build themselves two more before he sauntered off like he be king o’ the city or some such. Whoo whee, I expect to see the man in the Graystone soon. Glad I ain’t be workin that patrol I don’ need dealin with no lightning.
We questioned them miscreants too. Said sumtin bout telling vasha a something or other skipping light up coins in the river. Also heard sumtin bout dwarven brain eaters. Dun’ want mah brains cooked no sir. T’be honest I weren’t much payin attention or doin the talkin. Was tryna stand tall and look right pretty for the council. Oh? Yeah that be it. Oh, that right kind of ye sir, din’t have to tip. Right then, yeah me mum’s address be 22 Wes… HEY DON’T BE WRITIN THAT IN THE PAPER!
Egads, what a loud guard! Say what you will, the man can project! Being the magnificent man of my word that I am, I was sure to stop by mommy Kendra Belch’s house in person with the rough draft. She had a few key edits to make. I respected her wishes. It is her son after all. I didn’t see a Mr. Belch around anywhere. More on that later. Until then, have you heard of the Knights of the Black Veil?
You there sir! Yes you! The strapping gentle(wo)man in the front!
Have you heard of…
THE ORDER OF THE BLACK VEIL
The Gost Citadel is now recruiting future members and providing training in the ways of their Knightly Order. Establish yourself with the Gost Citadel, the largest lot of private land in all the Tower District. Enjoy free room and board, access to a 24/7 bar lounge, and access to our private stables.
Full-fledged members of the house can enjoy the services of the Citadel Staff and entertainment. Entertainment includes such acts as ‘The Ballad of the Battle of the Black Sun’ as performed by Hector the Bard, The tantalizing desert sword dance of Lady Maevis Alanyr, and if you are especially persuasive perhaps the great wizard Zren will show you his special party trick.
It is important to note that we are dog friendly, and that the large black mastiffs you will see on site are considered family. Please be nice to Max. He is fluffy, he is adorable, and he shall always be a lap dog!
If interested, please come prepared with a resume of skills and/or proficiencies. We are always interested in new talent. Interested Fighters of Knightly class will be given a plethora of favor and compensation. Have an idea for another role you could fulfill in the citadel? Come prepared with your position pitch! Your talents are sure to be appreciated!
Well, that’s all folks. Tune in next month to hear which well known local is having a secret love affair! You know who you are! And no I don’t accept bribes! The people WILL know your dirty secret! (unless I receive a new feather hat in the mail).