Hector’s Heckler, Sextus 24
How’s it hanging my beautiful bodacious Brits? I’m back! After several months of malignant maleficent turmoil, the sensuous serpentine claws of censorship have been shed and I, Hector the heroic and handsome have returned!
Our dashing and darling daddy Drax has no titillating tales for us tots today but I’m sure once he’s picked up his jaw off the ground at the marvelous Maevis’s dainty feet he’ll have a heck of a harrowing hook for us all to tell tale of throughout the halls of hoary history.
I won’t ostracize you with old hat owl oration or the odd event to which it owes its infamy. Instead I’ll illustrate and illuminate the information encompassing the ill known mad, macabre, malaise and malcontent mediocre menace of misbegotten mistake…
I sat down with a brawny and brutal battle born barbarian of Brightshore.
His tantalizing tattoo and top-notch transcribed towering talwar triggered shivers and goose pimples to grace my silken skin.
H: “So, Var-var! What manly muscles you have there, Mmmm, May I call you Var-var? I’m sure all the ladies are pining over those tattoos. Tell me, what happened to Mrs. Magu?”
V: “Var-var… hmm well sure you can call me that if you like. The goblin leader Magu or so I am told, was killed by me and a group of adventurers. It was really quite a long and strange journey, it started when I was recruited by a group of adventurers to go out and kill some goblins. We traveled for a few days before coming upon this elf in a cave who transformed into a dragon.”
H: “A dragon! Oh my! What a powerful elf indeed. What was the elf’s name?”
V: “I think his name was Grant, or Gelt or something like that, he was a mighty weird fellow too he was eating leaves and twigs and stuff, and he had this weird little blue fellow with him.”
H: “Oh! that sounds absolutely atrocious and awful! You might tell him about the fine dining to be had at the Citadel Lounge! Its definitely better than leaves and twigs. A little blue fellow you say?”
V: “Yeah some weird little guy seemed to serve the dragon, think there called kobolds or somethin’. Well anyways, after spending the night there we wandered out into the wild try’in to find some sign of these nasty green men we were out to kill. We searched n’ searched all over the area for about a day. Nearing the end of the day we found a sign of them, they were lighting a convenient light every few seconds. We approached the camp quietly, or at least tried to but the rest of my party seemed to think it wise to be as stealthy as a tap-dancer with boulders for feet and we got ambushed before we made it anywhere. A couple of them jumped me and I slew one of them, retreatin’ to others.”
H: “I see, I see, so these green men were they kobolds as well? Do kobolds travel in little gangs and represent the creed of their color? Would the Blue Blood Basilisks have Beef with our beloved Ixi of the Pink Pygmy Pals? Did you slay every one of these green goonies or did some live to tell the tale?”
V: “Ah well no they weren’t kobolds they were mostly goblins, some of them were being bigger and hit harder while the goblins hid in trees. There were also these weird glowing red suits of armor, but I stayed clear of them. A bit into the fight the flashes of light they were makin’ turned out to be them activatin’ a giant hobgoblin-looking-hill-thing. It was really odd, they seemed to want to use it against Brightshore but they could never get it to work it was runnin’ in the opposite direction. Naturally we took off after it and began scaling up the sides to try to stop the thing. It was shooting beams of what looked like fire and swatting at people, the whole thing was covered in goblins. Eventually we got to the top of the thing and one of our group took out what was powering it, and it fell. The leader, a goblin inside a big metal creature fell underneath it and nearly got killed. She did when one of our party digged her out of her shell and stabbed her bleeding body multiple times. Magu had this weird magical circlet that made her smarter, though one of the party claimed it right away. The whole experience was rather odd, do these things typically happen in Brightshore?”
H: “Goblins you say! How Ghastly! Red suits of armor? Horrible hobgoblin looking hill thing? Who was it that stabbed the still beating heart of the motionless mortified Mrs. Magu? How Morbid! Is there a Mr. Magu? And was it he who claimed this circlet of savvy and superiority? Is this man now King of the Goblins?”
This and more, in the next episode of Hector’s Harrowing Heckler!
In the merry mean time, let’s throw back to times past and revisit a past promise from a prior paper!
As alluded, here is:
Lord Gost’s gratuitous gamble with a real ghost of a girl.
For four fours of fortuitous fortnights the famed fabulous Gost has been flirtatiously fishing for a fräulein friend of fashions. Facultative and faithful, far-reaching and fertile, forthcoming and frolicsome, funny and fearless; These are the traits which catch my master’s eye. Forsooth, he has found nothing. Though I do hear hearsay of who caught his herculean eye. Why, it was young Lady Agrippina Oleg, maidenly mate of the merry musical Marco. Alas, it was not to be. I hear his eye has shifted, and now rests in the seas of more troublesome waters. When will my misunderstood master understand?
Lucky my lord is loathsome to learn my lyrics, lest I be lambasted for my lawfully layered liable.
A Ballad to the Four
As the month of Sextus is a most troublesome of times, I will now share with you all a more serious affair, my sullen song to the fallen. It was well received the day the gods inspired me to sing it. Please see the hand drawn portraits to study and receive the accompanying choreography.
♫ Ava my lady, please tell me my sweet,
Why the destruction? My heart skips a beat!
Your fire, it burns, it inspires our meet.
Please let down your sword for I can’t bare its heat. ♪
[[ A Picture is Displayed of a formless man with a scarf swinging a quill as though it were a sword ]]
♪ Tell me please Menran of luck you will bring?
Ill tiding’s end Summer, of chaos I sing!
Of all times a wedding, your wind on black wing,
Now comes the Autumn, show mercy my king. ♫
[[ The shadowy silhouette tosses its scarf over one shoulder and weaves the scarf sign ]]
♫ We’ll endure ‘til Winter, oh Unre my dear,
Embrace those delivered to earth full of fear!
The children, you keep them? This law must we adhere?
Your silence is deafening; so, we turn to your peer. ♪
[[ The figure stands arms outstretched facing the ground. A mandatory 3 second pause is noted for dramatic flair ]]
♪ Olteus please save them, help me my dove!
Springtime is fertile, healing hands fit the glove,
Harriet, you sent her, like rains from above?
The water, we’ll drink it, return us our love! ♫
[[ The dancer is shown making a sign of Olteus ]]
I hope this has helped to ease some hearts.
If you need a distraction or are in search for a supped up magical remedy, I encourage you to stop by:
The Owl’s Nook:
“ With The Owl’s Nook being in business for several months now, I would like to announce new services and options. We all know that The Owl’s Nook is the best place to get spell casting and scribing supplies in Brightshore, but now the Owl’s Nook is doing identifications/appraisals of any items. Also, The Owl’s Nook is going to be buying wizard spell scrolls and magic items, depending on their worth of course, if you want to sell an item or scroll simply contact myself and I will get you a price. Prices for spell scrolls and magic items may be more or less than market value depending on their worth.” –Zren Catsa
That’s all for now Brits, may Septimus sing us all a simpler song.
– Hector the Bard♟